The Christ of Journalism

And in breaking news today, rumours in the Colosseum are that Jesus of Nazareth had been smearing faeces on the walls of his cell in the Temple of Herod. Having been dragged from the Garden of Gethsemane last Thursday shouting ‘Judea must resist!’, Jesus appeared the following day before Pontius Pilate for trial. The Prefect of Judea called Jesus’s threat to destroy the Roman Empire ‘laughable’, and went on to describe Jesus as a ‘narcissist’ who ‘cannot get beyond the sense of his own divinity.’ The Client King Herod said he had done everything according to the Pax Romana, but that Jesus’s behaviour had become ‘intolerable’ and that he had ‘threatened the government of Judea’. In the Lesser Sanhedrin of the Jewish Council, the Sadducees declared that ‘Jesus is no hero’, and that he had ‘hidden from the truth about his own mortality for years’. The Pharisees voiced concern that Jesus would be crucified by the Romans, and Joseph of Arimathea declared that Jesus must face trial under the Torah. However, under pressure from his fellow Pharisees, who accused him of being a Zealot, Joseph retracted his objections and conceded Jesus should at least stand trial in Galilee on the charge of laying with Mary Magdalene and Mary Bethany, two former followers, using a split sheep’s intestine. Judas Iscariot, having absconded with his 30 pieces of silver, published an article in the Curatrix accusing Jesus of putting the lives of Roman soldiers across the Empire at risk. Meanwhile, Tiberius Caeser Augustus took time out from strangling Numidian children and throwing their bodies from the cliffs of Capri to deny he had ever heard of ‘Christians’. While Livia Drusilla, the wife of the former Emperor Augustus, said that Jesus ‘would have to answer for what he has done.’ A protest called outside the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem this weekend attracted only a few acolytes, with Jesus’s former disciples notable by their absence.

Simon Elmer

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